Am I the only one who sees the phrase "congratulations on your wedding anniversary" as an insult?
Why the congratulations? Are you saying that it must have been a chore for me to last this long with my spouse, and that I deserve congratulations for the effort rather than doing the easy thing and breaking up with them? Or are you saying that we're so old that it's incredible we're still alive to celebrate it? What are you trying to tell me? And can you please stop being so patronising?
My microwave beeps five times when it's finished. If I'd known it was going to do that, I wouldn't have bought it.
Two beeps makes sense, in case you didn't hear the first one. Three is being on the safe side. Health and safety and all that, I can let that go. Four is overly-extravagant. Five is just taking the piss. I mean, who needs five beeps? Anyone stupid enough to need that many shouldn't be handling a microwave in the first place.
Five is being sarcastic. It mocks. It grates. Instead of a beep, it may as well be a high pitched, reedy-farty sound.
Don't stand for it. Let it get to three, then switch it off. That's what I do.
