This is a sort of update to the other entries about drivers and driving. Drivers are such oddities that I thought their (usually crap) habits could be classified. Here's my perception of the idiots (and occasionally not) that we have to tolerate on the road.
1. The Learner Driver
The sort of driver that other, more experienced drivers should aspire to be, but not become. They know all the rules of the road and can drive safely. However, they lack the “sixth sense” necessary to pre-judge other drivers’ intentions and predict and avoid dangers that can manifest themselves within seconds in hitherto tranquil circumstances.
2. The Boy Hurtler
Popularly known as Boy Racers, presumably in that they appear to have racing cars and to know how to race them, except for a few major qualities that disqualify them (excuse the pun) from actually being racers. They would make good racers, if only they knew anything at all about racing. So, in fact, they are useless on public roads and they would are useless on racing tracks as well. The differences between racers and Boy Hurtlers are, most notably:
- Boy Hurtlers have no knowledge of safety. Racers at least make the best attempt they can to avoid other cars. They also drive cars meant for racing, and drive on racing tracks intended for the purpose, hence the name “racing track.” On racing tracks, everyone drives in the same direction and everyone knows that everyone else is going for it as fast as they can.
- Racers typically drive racing cars. Boy Hurtlers tend to drive clapped-out red Fiestas. Not only that, but they adorn them with tasteless, non-functional visual and audio augmentations that seem to self-parody theirselves and their vehicle.
- Racers know how to drive properly. Racing tracks have racing rules. Normal, public roads have different types of rules, which racers (well, most of them) are aware of when driving normal public road vehicles on them. Racers also know how to avoid screeching tyres (it wears down tyres and slows down potential acceleration) and how to take corners. Curiously, I have never seen a Boy Hurtler drive in such a way that showed any knowledge of taking proper racing lines, which of course a racer would.
3. The Ditherer
Ill-confident, incompetent and unsafe drivers who have a child’s knowledge of using the road, ditherers are prone to sudden, random and violent manoeuvres such as braking hard without reason, swerving, indicating left and turning right, not using headlights in dark weather, being in the wrong lane (that is, the right-hand lane, except when turning right at roundabouts) and pulling out in front of oncoming traffic. Their minds seem to be stuffed with half-baked notions such as “I’ve indicated, therefore everyone is aware of my intentions – so I’m now going to pull out [regardless of whether it’s safe].”
They have the unique ability to close their eyes and hope for the best in the crises that inevitably unfold (which they have caused), and amazingly usually get away unscathed. However, it is this category of drivers that causes most accidents. Although they do not appear to be involved directly, they set off a chain of events that, due to other drivers compensating for their mistakes, snowball into a catastrophe.
A convergent minority class of reformed Ditherers ("neo-Ditherers"), who are attempting to be more consistent and thus safe (as a result of previous near misses that were their fault) has also appeared. Traits of this unusual oddity include those who indicate immediately before manoeuvring, a conciliatory and perhaps apologetic if fruitless gesture to show at least some knowledge of the existence of other roadusers and of the need to state their intentions.
4. The Golem (or Drifter)
This category of drivers assume that consistency equals safety. The other driver types know that it just isn’t as simple as this. Golems are mysterious, underestimated, silently dangerous drivers that tend to assume that, with a smooth, consistent approach to driving, other drivers have no reason not to like them. Or perhaps they simply don’t care.
On first contact, they seem to be careful, methodical drivers, until all of a sudden they will do something that makes you think, “hang on, a safe driver wouldn’t do that.” Then you know that you’re stuck behind a Golem.
A major point of note is that Golems tend to drive at the same arbitrary speed regardless of the speed limit – for example, 35mph in a 50mph, 40mph and 30mph zone and regardless of the conditions of the road.
Golems also exhibit other common behaviours. They include:
- Drifting slowly between lanes without warning. They may do this by drifting on dual carriageways without indicating, cutting up right-hand-lane users on roundabouts, and using two lanes at once for long stretches of road, often removing the possibility of overtaking and using an overtaking lane.
- Generally not making any indications about anything they’re going to do. These include not using indicators when turning left or right or stopping at the side of the road, not using hazard warning lights and positioning the vehicle incorrectly in the road for the impending manoeuvre.
The result is that other drivers behind them get either nervous or annoyed, and have to either constantly second-guess the Golem’s intentions or keep well back as if following a learner driver.
This category includes some Ditherers who are attempting to be more consistent, and thus safe (as a result of previous near misses that were their fault), and old people. Farm owners, whether in their Land Rovers or their tractors, tend to favour Golemism, although they also exhibit some of the habits of Stones (see below).
5. The Stone (or Pace-maker)
Extremely slow drivers. They tend to drive at two thirds the speed limit at all times. Variously irritating, unfair, dangerous and illegal (see below).
On motorways, fast roads and dual carriageways, this is a driving hazard, particularly around a corner and when it is reasonable to believe that people are driving at a reonasonable speed appropriate for their vehicle as the road conditions allow. Instead, they are obstacles in the road that, in particular, cause irate drivers (e.g. Boy Hurtlers, Bulls and some Level-heads - see later) to exacerbate hazardous conditions while trying to overtake, since they have already had to slow down and people are driving at much faster speeds in the overtaking lane.
On other roads, this is a menace. Driving at 35mph in a 50mph area in the rush hour in perfectly good road and weather conditions causes a huge and unnecessary backlog of traffic, reduces driver morale and increasing tempers and frustration. It also incites people, in desperation, to attempt to overtake, which in rush-hour traffic is often dangerous.
Obstructing (the flow of) traffic unnecessarily is a civil offense. There’s no reason for it, and it’s unfair on other road users. It is more pleasant to drive slower, but roads are there for practical reasons rather than to be enjoyed. A pleasant, slow drive should be relegated to less-often-used roads, such as country roads and forest drives. If Stones feel unsafe driving at higher speeds, then this is an indication that either they do not know how to drive properly, or are insufficiently experienced, knowledgeable or confident with driving. In any of these cases, they should take driving lessons and improve, for they are not fit to drive.
God knows what odd assortment of people are comprised within this category. One often-seen member is the farmer driving his/her 20-year-old Land Rover.
6. The Bull
Mad bastards who intend someday to rule all the roads in the world. Typical Bull vehicles (along with their drivers) are heavy and masculine. They range from Chelsea Tractors to articulated lorries. Similar to the terminally annoyed mothers who, in a crowded pedestrian area, will use their prams as weapons to barge people out of their way, Bulls like to ensure dominance of their terrain (which with their vehicle, they would insist, comprises all terrains, including the sea) by showing everyone else who’s boss. The bigger the penis extension, the closer the Bull drives to the vehicle in front and the more ridiculously he parks – in-between two bays, at an odd angle, even occasionally parking in a place not designated as a parking space, making life harder for everyone else.
Whereas Ditherers cause others to have accidents, Bulls are the ones who are directly involved in them. In fact, Ditherers and Bulls are perfect companions in this respect: All other categories of drivers apart from Bulls have the sense to stay well clear of Ditherers, while Bulls by their very nature do otherwise.
Taxi drivers and Boy Hurtlers with expensive cars also exhibit similar behaviours to Bulls. However, their intentions respectively are to get somewhere as quickly as possible, and to pose, rather than to drive other road users off the road.
7. The Level-head
Comprises the majority of ‘sensible’ drivers, in the sense that they are far from perfect but nevertheless have it about right. All qualities are pretty much average, but the temperament of the Level-head irons out any of the negative eccentricities inherent to the other categories. In other words, they are a sort of taxi driver, but without the need to rush around so much and without the arrogance that they know the road so well they can go over roundabouts and cross junctions as if they're merely cosmetic.
Level-heads come in a number of flavours, the most extreme of which involves efficient driving to the point of ignoring changes in speed limits, taking racing lines and using both lanes of the dual carriageway to navigate around corners whenever necessary. While this extreme consists more of a racer bent than the Boy Hurtler, the other extreme consists of a sort of half-arsed cross between a Learner Driver and a Golem: sedate and aware of (but not necessarily intimately knowledgeable in) the official Rules of the Road, while also aware of the unofficial "Roolz" of the Road - accurately predicting and reacting to the behaviour of other drivers, assuming other drivers are idiots, making the most of the available lanes and the gap ahead to drive efficiently, etc.
Interestingly, if all drivers belonged only to one of the above categories, the only categories of driver that wouldn't eventually annihilate all drivers would be Stones or Level-heads. Personally, however, I'm glad and relieved that I'm a Level-head.
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Update (15.01.08): Here's a thought - why not allocate cars to people depending on how good drivers they are? New drivers can have new, low-powered cars, bad drivers can have low-powered bangers and better (more powerful, nicer-looking etc) cars are earned by longer periods of good driving.
